Tuesday, July 4

Coming Clean

It's 12:48 pm...time to come clean.

Today has been filled with tasks aimed at keeping my hands and mind busy. Busy enough to drown out the small still voice inside of me that is throwing me into a bona fide state of guilt.

Here's what I've done so far:

baked banana nut bread
did laundry
flipped the mattress on my bed
rearranged books in my closet
washed, dried and put away dishes
cleaned the bathroom
arranged recipes

...and I've only been up for 6 hours. If I keep up this pace, I'm going to collapse before the day is over.

So, here's the deal. My stepdad has been gravely ill. He's been in congestive heart failure for more than a decade and his health has slowly declined. Seven weeks ago, he had a heart attack and has been in the hospital, then a nursing home for rehab and back to the hospital...where he is now. To say this has been a difficult time is an understatement.

I consider Bill my Dad, even though he and my Mom didn't marry until I was in my mid-twenties. He's a good man and he's been good to my Mom. He's also been very good to me; showing me over and over again what it means to be a father. I love him for this and for the imperfect person he is.

All the love and medical knowledge in the world is not going to strengthen his heart. He's not going to recover from this last heart attack. His mind is with us, but his body is shutting down and I wish he would just slip away. That's a nice way of saying I wish he would die.

I don't need to expound upon my guilt surrounding this wish. I'll have to work through it the only way I know how...shed some tears and find peace in being human.


TUFFENUF said...

Somehow people think that it is a bad wish - to wish that someone would die. He has a terminal illness, there is no cure for a heart so weak. Your wish is for his suffering to be over, that is a kind wish, not a bad one. I hope your Dad's passing will be peaceful and that you will find the strength to handle it.

Anonymous said...

As many times as I have experienced the same feeling, wishing the same wish for someone I loved that was ill, I found that my guilt from that wish stems not from me wishing the loved one would transition to the next phase of their life ending their suffering, but that the wish also ended my suffering as well.

In the end, it is all in his hands anyway.

You will be fine...and so will your Mom.